Joint Commission Accredited77 Days to Hope: One Mother's Courageous Decision After Sudden Loss
When grief and defiance threatened to tear her family apart following her husband's sudden passing, Barbara made the courageous decision to send her struggling 14-year-old daughter to RedCliff Ascent. Today, 26 years later, she reflects on the power of tough love, parent therapy, and nature in rebuilding a lifelong relationship grounded in mutual respect and deep healing. If your family is in crisis and looking for a path forward, call our team at 801-921-8488 to learn how we can help.
If your teen is struggling and you aren't sure where to turn next, we are here to help your family find a way forward. Reach out to our team at 801-921-8488 to learn more about our program.
Celebrating 26 Years of Recovery
Tiffany: Barbara, thank you so much for joining us today. I'm excited to have you here.
Barbara: Thank you, Tiffany. I'm excited to share my story.
Tiffany: Yeah, I'm amazed- you said it was 26 or maybe 27 years?
Barbara: 26 years.
Tiffany: 26 years! And you're willing to come on and share your and your daughter's story of going to RedCliff Ascent, correct?
Barbara: Correct. Every year, we acknowledge the day that she started. It was January 11th in the year 2000. So every January 11th, we mark the day and share special words with each other about what it meant for her to go away, gain so much self-confidence, and achieve so much in recovery. We always mark that day.
Tiffany: That's amazing. I love that you two celebrate that, and I really treasure that perspective. I'm a big celebrator of moments like that, too. I even celebrate my parents' passing- I always have a "death day" party for them where we celebrate and eat their favorite foods. So what a great way to honor that moment for you and your daughter.
Barbara: Absolutely. I never want to forget it, and I don't think she does either. It was such a special, hard, but wonderful time.
Tiffany: Okay.
Barbara: Yeah.
Family Tragedy and Turning Points
Tiffany: I want to dive into that. Tell us a little bit about yourself and your daughter-
Barbara: Sure.
Tiffany:- and then we'll dive into her journey to wilderness.
Barbara: Okay. She was the second of two daughters, born six years after my first. My oldest is a school psychologist currently living not too far from me, so it's really great that I'm local to both girls. They grew up in a very intact family with a mom and a dad. But very suddenly, when my youngest turned 14, my husband- her father- died suddenly of a massive heart attack.
Tiffany: Oh, man.
Barbara: And...
Tiffany: I'm so sorry.
Barbara: ...it was really the turning point for all of us. I found that we were all struggling in our own little lifeboats, bobbing up and down. As much as I tried to be there for the girls, I felt that I didn't have time to deal with my own grief because I was so intent on making everything okay for them.
Tiffany: Oh, yeah.
Barbara: My oldest was a sophomore in college, and my youngest was 14 when he died- my oldest was 20. We were just about to celebrate his 49th birthday. We were already making plans for the big 5-0, but we didn't get that far, sadly.
I was in education my whole life. I started out as a speech therapist, then became a principal and director of special education. I was a little hard on myself because of that role. I felt like I should be able to solve everybody's problems. Whenever there was a difficult situation with a family member or a child, I was always there to support the family and come up with a great plan of action. I was so frustrated that I couldn't do that for my own daughter, so I beat myself up over that for many years.
Through therapy, I realized that I did the very best I could and that I was in a very compromised position because I was grieving, too. But we moved past that. Eventually, I knew that public school was not working for her. I just felt that she needed something more than what it could offer.
Tiffany: And you probably had-
Barbara: I would say...
Tiffany: -a lot of great insight into that, too, working in the public schools.
Barbara: Yes.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: Yeah. I spent some time looking around at local alternative programs. I finally found one program in Massachusetts- I didn't realize how close I live to it now- and went to visit. They asked me to present a summation of my daughter: her strengths, her weaknesses, and the issues that brought me there. So I told them all about her, and they said to me, "We're not going to take her. She's not ready. She would not be successful here without a wilderness program first."
Discovering Wilderness Therapy Programs
Tiffany: Okay.
Barbara: I hadn't even heard of wilderness therapy. It was like a completely new concept to me. They mentioned that their students came from quite a few programs, specifically pointing to some in Utah and Idaho- those were the two states I remembered. At the time, my sister was a social worker in Utah, so I called her up and asked, "Could you please research RedCliff? It was recommended to me, and I've done some research myself, but I'm just so concerned. I'm sending this child away- how do I know it's going to be the right place for her? How do I know I'm going to get her back?"
Tiffany: Yeah. How do you know she's going to be safe?
Barbara: And people would say to me... I'm sorry?
Tiffany: And how do you know she's going to be safe?
Barbara: Yes. It was right around the time when there were newspaper articles about kids acting out toward their counselors, and all sorts of controversy about counselors not treating the kids well, too. So I researched it with a very heavy heart because it was so foreign and unknown to me. My sister looked into it and explained that there were two different tracks: one for court-ordered kids and one for private placements. I spoke with the program, she spoke with them, and we agreed RedCliff was the place I had the most confidence in. But it all felt so random and arbitrary because I had no clue.
People would say to me, "How do you know you're going to get your daughter back? She might run away and never come home." I knew that was a risk I had to take because I was already losing her. She was involved with drugs and truancy, and the police knew who she was. It was just really tough, and I felt like I had no other options.
Tiffany: I have a question: was she in therapy at the time, or was she just really struggling on her own?
Barbara: We tried therapy. She tried going individually.
Tiffany: Okay.
Barbara: I had multiple people working with her, but none of it was effective. She would just storm out or refuse to talk. She was extremely defiant, and any ground rules I set up using contract-style agreements- like "you can use the car if you do X, Y, and Z"- just didn't work. Every trick of the trade that I knew, and I knew a lot-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: -just failed with her. I was so afraid. I had just buried my husband, and I was terrified I was going to end up burying my daughter, too.
Tiffany: What a heavy load to carry. Losing a spouse is just unfathomable- someone who is your life companion- and then facing the prospect of sending your daughter away adds an extra layer of grief. That is so much to manage all at once, especially when you already had so many tools from your work in the public school system. It sounds like you were carrying an incredible amount at that moment, Barbara.
Parental Support and Personal Therapy
Barbara: I had so much. It was hard to survive. I was in counseling, obviously, and I remember going to a psychiatrist who gave me medication to help with my extreme anxiety.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: I was like a zombie for a few weeks until I said, "No, I can't do this. I have to function. I have to go to work, I have to be there for my other daughter, and I have to live my life." So, yeah, it was a tough time, but I had an amazing support system of friends and colleagues.
Tiffany: I want to point out that you had her in outpatient therapy and you were in therapy yourself, which is huge. Not all parents are there yet- sometimes they can't get there until their kids are safely somewhere else. But you were one step ahead by being in therapy and having that support system. That makes a massive difference when you're in crisis and trying to figure out where to send your daughter to keep her safe from her own unhealthy choices and coping mechanisms. She was just trying to cope as best as she could.
Barbara: She was.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: She later told me, "I knew I was engaging in risky behavior." She was fully aware of it. But in her mind, if she died from that behavior, she'd be with her dad.
Tiffany: Oh, yeah.
Barbara: And if she lived, she'd be with me. It was this internal conflict. She knew the consequences of her actions, but she still felt this pull to do all those dangerous things.
Tiffany: I'm trying to think of the term for that... passive suicidal ideation? It's leaving my mind, but it's not active planning. It's more like, "If I do this risky behavior and don't make it to tomorrow..." They don't have a specific plan, but they still have thoughts about not being here tomorrow.
Barbara: Yeah.
Tiffany: That is such a painful place for both of you to be in.
Barbara: It was very difficult. But when I finally made the decision- which obviously wasn't easy- I knew I couldn't get her there on my own because she was so resistant to anything I asked. For the first time in a long time, part of me felt like she was finally safe. She was with transport staff who would take care of her until she arrived, and then the program staff would take care of her. There was a part of me that felt a little relieved. I was totally terrified and scared out of my mind, but relieved, too.
Tiffany: I'm sure so many parents relate to that feeling- like a weight is finally lifted and you can actually breathe knowing your child is safe and under constant supervision. There was only one of you; you didn't even have a spouse to trade off supervision duties with to keep her safe. It was all on you, so I'm sure there was genuine relief mixed with the anxiety of wondering if she's okay. That complex mix of feelings is totally normal.
Barbara: Yes, and I went to therapy the very next day.
Tiffany: I bet.
Barbara: I just sat there and cried and talked. My older daughter came home that next weekend just to be with me and make sure I was okay.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: She had her own issues with her sister's behavior. They had been as close as kids six years apart could be, but they had very different childhoods. There was a real warmth between them, especially after their dad died- they needed each other. But at one point when my younger daughter was really acting out, my older daughter got up to leave and said, "You might let her kill you, but I'm not going to let her kill me." I just thought, "Wow."
Tiffany: That's a powerful statement.
Barbara: Kudos to her for saying it, but it really hurt. I needed her support, but I understood where she was coming from because she had to protect herself, too.
Tiffany: That came from her own place of grief after losing her dad, too.
Barbara: Absolutely.
Tiffany: There were so many moving pieces.
Barbara: So many pieces.
Tiffany: Barbara, I just have to say, you are a saint. You are such an amazing woman. I'm just getting a small glimpse into your life, but if no one has told you today how incredible you are for everything you've navigated... you really are amazing.
Barbara: Thank you.
Healing and Personal Growth Together
Barbara: Thank you. But I keep thinking about the outcome.
Tiffany: Yes.
Barbara: The outcome has been so wonderful, and I am so blessed.
Tiffany: Yes.
Barbara: I had to walk through a lot of murky waters to get to where I am today.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: But we did it. She did it, and I did it with her. When parents are in crisis, they often ask me, "Your child might get help, but how do you heal together?" We did it together. We grew up together.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: We grew into new people together and forged a whole new relationship.
Tiffany: I love that. A lot of times we're so focused on the child who's struggling and acting out that parents don't realize- until maybe further down the road after sending their child to treatment- that they have to work on themselves, too. They have to prioritize their own self-care and therapy. It's not just about fixing the child.
Barbara: Yes.
Tiffany: Honestly, when parents dive 110% into doing their own therapeutic work, it's almost a guarantee that the child is going to heal and get better. When parents are that committed, you're going to see success in the child one way or another. Kids still have their own agency, but it's hard for a child not to engage when they see a loving parent doing the hard work right along with them.
Barbara: Yes. I think it was incredibly helpful for her to see me making changes, too.
Tiffany: Oh, yeah.
Transformation Through RedCliff Ascent
Barbara: That it wasn't just her. At RedCliff, there were so many changes that took place- especially in her confidence. I saw it in the smoke-stained letters she wrote me. I still smell it when I go downstairs today. I have a big Rubbermaid container downstairs with all her paraphernalia from school, RedCliff, and the follow-up program. When I open it up, I can still smell the fire smoke-
Tiffany: From the campfires...
Barbara: -from when she was lighting fires. That was such a major milestone for her, being able to start a fire. When she sent me letters, there would be some lingering frustration, but also hope. It was so different from her very first letters where she told me that I was the one who belonged in the facility, not her.
Tiffany: Yes.
Barbara: She said I was the one with problems, that she was fine, and that if we could just swap places, everything would be okay.
Tiffany: I don't mean to laugh, but I love hearing what kids try to do to push their parents' buttons during those first couple of weeks.
Barbara: Oh, yes.
Tiffany: It's so normal.
Barbara: Yes. Yep!
Tiffany: It's always either "I don't belong here," "I'm not safe," "They're not feeding me," or "You should be here instead."
Barbara: Wow. Yeah.
Tiffany: They throw whatever they can out there to catch you off guard, right? Because they know how vulnerable you are.
Barbara: Yeah. She even tried using her asthma. She said, "I have asthma. How can you send me out here to hike in these woods?" I told her, "Yep, I did." I sent her with her inhaler, but she never even used it because she didn't need to- the air out there was wonderful.
Tiffany: Exactly.
Barbara: And she was thriving.
Tiffany: They have nurses out there keeping an eye on her-
Barbara: She looked-
Tiffany: -to make sure she was doing okay with her asthma.
Barbara: Yeah, she was fine. It was fascinating to see the evolution in her letters and watch the shift in her behavior and reactions. In the beginning, if she couldn't start a fire, it was a huge ordeal. But by the end, she was so proud of herself. When I went out for her graduation and had to light a fire myself, she was so happy to guide me through all the steps. It was a beautiful role reversal.
Tiffany: That sounds absolutely amazing and beautiful- that she got to be the one to show you this new skill and transformation. There are so many metaphors in that moment.
Barbara: Yeah, she was the talented one showing me the ropes. It was so exciting to go out there. I remember going to my school before leaving, and everyone brought me supplies. Someone lent me a backpack, someone else gave me a sleeping bag- my staff were just throwing gear at me to take along. They really lived through this whole experience with me. I even had colleagues stay at my house to make sure I was doing okay. They weren't just a principal and teachers; they were friends supporting each other.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: I know I crossed traditional professional boundaries, and people would tell me, "You really needed to step up and be the principal." But no- I needed to just be Barbara.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: And Barbara needed help back then. I needed the support of my people. My sisters and parents were far away, and my husband was gone.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: Another thing happened regarding my husband: the day I finally made the decision to send her, I was sitting at my dining room table with my laptop out, researching and weighing every option. I had the radio playing in the background, and our wedding song came on. I just said, "Okay, thank you. I needed that." It felt like he was telling me-
Tiffany: Yeah!
Barbara: -"Yes, do this. I'm right here with you." It was...
Tiffany: I love those tender mercies.
Barbara: It was a wonderful sign.
Tiffany: Having lost both of my parents, I have moments like that, too- where you see something that reminds you of them or hear a song and realize, "Okay, that's a sign. I needed that." What a beautiful comfort and reassurance to receive while navigating that alone.
Barbara: I felt like I was getting a real hug.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Building Internal Motivation and Confidence
Barbara: -I felt him, and I needed that at that moment in particular. So anyway, the story continues that RedCliff was really good for her. She gained confidence, skills, and I think even an appreciation for the outdoors. She's a real nature person now, and she wasn't like that beforehand. Before she went away, she was caught up in being one of the "cool girls."
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: She had to have the right clothes, hair, and makeup. But to see her today- she wears no makeup, dresses purely for comfort, doesn't care about fashion trends, and spends more time outside than inside. She has a boat, goes boating all the time, and loves camping. It's a completely different lifestyle than the path she was heading down before.
Tiffany: That's so interesting. The therapist in me is analyzing that transition: she moved from being externally motivated by how she portrayed herself to being internally grounded. She reached a point of thinking, "I'm comfortable with who I am. I don't need makeup or specific clothes because I'm in my comfort zone." That's the ultimate goal for a struggling teenager as they step into adulthood- to become genuine and authentic to themselves rather than trying to impress the world or pretend to be someone they're not.
Barbara: Absolutely. To this day, she still values those things. We were talking about iPhones the other day, and she said, "I really want to go back to a flip phone. I don't need all these extra features. I just need to know where my kids are. That's it."
Tiffany: Me too.
Barbara: Yeah. Anyway...
Tiffany: Can we go back to RedCliff for a moment? I have a few questions for you.
Barbara: Sure.
Tiffany: You mentioned having fears after dropping your daughter off that first night. Did those fears eventually fade? Did things get easier as you received updates from her and her therapist?
Barbara: I had to ride a roller coaster for a while. She was still very angry when she first arrived, and it took time- at least in terms of letter correspondence- for her to express that she was okay and in a decent place.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: So I still worried, but I felt safe at night knowing she wasn't in danger. She wasn't around drugs that could potentially kill her, and she wasn't being abused. I felt a baseline of safety. Gradually, the letters started to improve and reflect more hope, which allowed me to become hopeful, too. I always say I rode that emotional roller coaster-
Tiffany: I like that analogy.
Barbara: -with all of its ups and downs. But then I realized something...
Tiffany: Go ahead.
Barbara: I realized that I didn't have to stay on that ride if I didn't want to. I could choose to step off.
Tiffany: Really? Tell me a little bit about that.
Barbara: Even today, when she gets into a bit of a funk, instead of trying to rescue her, I tell myself, "I don't have to ride this roller coaster. I can wait because I have confidence in her ability to solve it herself. I'll be here to support her, but I'm not going to fix it for her." In the past, I was always solving her problems.
Tiffany: Okay.
Barbara: That habit minimized her ability to see her own strength. By constantly stepping in, my actions were telling her, "You can't do this on your own; you need me." I don't believe that anymore. She can handle it on her own.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: I trust her, and I have faith in her.
Tiffany: That's a beautiful evolution- moving from enabling and wanting to rescue her (which is such a natural parental response to seeing our children struggle) to stepping back. How did you make that mental shift from wanting to rescue her to becoming comfortable with her experiencing temporary discomfort in the wilderness?
Barbara: It was two-fold. First, my own therapy helped tremendously.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Barbara: I practiced setting those boundaries when I saw her, so it gradually felt more natural. But she played a massive role in that shift, too. She began presenting herself as someone who was far more capable. She didn't seem as fragile anymore, nor was she constantly struggling with drama involving girls or boyfriends. She seemed at peace with herself, which allowed me to be at peace with myself and opened the door to a completely different relationship.
Of course, the dynamic is shifting again now-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: -because I think she considers me old now! She feels the need to look out for me and put me on her Life360 app so she can track where I am all the time.
Tiffany: That's fair!
Barbara: So the roles are reversing a bit.
Tiffany: The roles naturally evolve between mothers and daughters over time, especially as you navigate therapy and different life stages. It sounds like it comes from a place of deep love, respect, and appreciation for who you are.
Barbara: I really believe that.
Tiffany: That is such a beautiful place to arrive at together. How did nature play a role in her healing process?
Nature as a Healing Force
Barbara: I think because there were no diversions. There was no-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: -TV, there were no movies, there wasn't a phone to make calls, and there weren't indoor places to go. She had to get comfortable in her own skin without any of those distractions. It's interesting- I keep going back to Michael, my first husband, but the night he died, I couldn't sleep, obviously. I wrote a poem about his life and pictured him as a tree, because nature was his God. I think it was natural for her to follow in those footsteps, and the environment at RedCliff certainly fostered that. Even at the second program she attended afterward, I think being outside helped her build an appreciation for living without distractions. All of her senses came alive through smelling and seeing everything outdoors.
Tiffany: There's a lot of research on how healing nature can be. Grounding yourself and getting away from technology helps regulate your nervous system. There are so many benefits from being outdoors that we're lacking these days because of how disconnected from it we've become.
Barbara: Oh, yeah.
Tiffany: So it's beautiful, and even more relevant now. This was 26 years ago, but now kids have smartphones, so parents getting the chance to send them somewhere to detox from technology alone is huge.
Barbara: Yeah, that's a good thing.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: Yes.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: I was thinking of something and lost my train of thought, but...
Tiffany: I apologize...
Barbara: Oh, I know. Before we left RedCliff after graduation, they warned us that the kids would be sensitive to noise.
Tiffany: Okay.
Barbara: They warned us they'd be sensitive to crowds of people. They said, "Don't go near a mall. Don't go anywhere loud, because it will be difficult for them." I remember we had to stop at a mall to pick up something she needed, and she was so thrown off. She was just completely weirded out by that environment. She didn't like it and felt totally uncomfortable.
Tiffany: That's an interesting dynamic...
Barbara: I think she's reconciled that now.
Tiffany: Absolutely. The contrast between being out in nature versus integrating back into society is fascinating. Do you have anything else you want to share about her graduation day? Those moments are so special- especially since, back then, RedCliff only allowed letter writing and a weekly phone call with the therapist, correct?
Barbara: Yeah, once a week.
Tiffany: Right, but no video chats back then. So you got to see her for the first time in how many days? What was that experience like?
Barbara: It was 77 days. The kids had to run a mile to meet us.
Tiffany: Oh, wow.
Barbara: I don't know if she had ever run a mile before going away, but she ran that mile. I still have the picture someone took of us embracing. We were both crying and holding onto each other. It was so beautiful. I can go back to that moment in a heartbeat and feel all those emotions- relief, pride, love, and so many other things. We shared a tent that night and shared food. She was in charge, acting like the caregiver out there, so our roles had begun to reverse a bit- though that was temporary, as she was still a kid.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: I was always worried about what it would be like bringing her home afterward.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: But getting back to the graduation, there were quite a few parents who came. I think five or six students graduated that day. Most were couples, so my singleness stood out. But we were just so happy to see each other and embrace after all that time that it made everything better. It wasn't awful. There were many other painful times where I hated being alone and being the only parent present- and I'm sure she felt the same way. But we stayed together that night, and the next day my sister and brother-in-law came from Salt Lake City to get us. We rented a hotel room so she could shower, and then went out to eat. My brother-in-law, who has a special affinity for my daughter, bought her all sorts of candy thinking he was doing a nice thing. She got so sick to her stomach from eating it!
Tiffany: I'm sure! Going from that wilderness diet to candy...
Barbara: Yeah.
Tiffany: Yes.
Barbara: He thought he was being such a great uncle, but it backfired. It was kind of funny, though. Immediately after that, we flew to her second program. My older daughter met us at the airport so we could spend some time together as a trio before sending her off to the next program.
The Success of Continued Treatment
Barbara: I really think that because of the two wonderful places I randomly selected, I was fortunate it worked out the way it did. That was a big reason why she is who she is today.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: I remember at the school she went to, they told parents during a group meeting: "10% of your kids will fail- they'll go back into a program and might not come out of it. 80% are going to be okay; they'll get through life and be alright. And 10% will soar." I remember leaving there and making a deal with God: "Please let her be in that 80%. I don't want to ask for anything more. Just let her be in the 80%." But she was in the top 10%. She soared.
Tiffany: Oh.
Barbara: She continues to soar and amaze me every day- as a parent, a daughter, and a partner, she's just incredible.
Tiffany: It sounds like she has gone on to do amazing things. I want to get into that, but before we jump ahead, I'm curious about something a listener might ask if their own child is struggling: why did you choose to send her to another program instead of bringing her home after wilderness? How did that conversation go?
Barbara: Her therapist at RedCliff explained that while she had made tremendous progress and was ready to graduate, they didn't think she was ready to return home yet. It would have been too difficult because she still had more work to do. Plus, when I originally visited that first boarding school-
Tiffany: That's right...
Barbara: -they told me, "After she finishes wilderness, she will need our program, but she can't come directly here without doing wilderness first." So in the back of my mind, I always knew there would be a follow-up program.
The therapist and I worked with my daughter to prepare her so she could accept the plan without feeling upset, and she was completely ready for it. She didn't fight me or balk at the idea. Again, it was just fortuitous that this was the program we chose. She ended up finishing high school early and even earned six college credits while she was there.
Tiffany: Wow. Great!
Barbara: So when she went to college right on schedule- as if nothing had ever gone wrong- she was actually ahead of the game. This was a child who had been floundering in public school.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: Public school just wasn't the right fit for her; she needed specialized attention, and I am so glad I provided that for her.
Tiffany: Our story started with her struggling in public school because it wasn't enough, and now, after RedCliff and this follow-up program's combined therapy, she graduated right on time and was even ahead of schedule. How amazing is that?
Transitioning to Adulthood and Independence
Barbara: Right. So she finished her second program in June-
Tiffany: Okay.
Barbara: -and then went away to college in August.
Tiffany: Wow.
Barbara: I was really frightened about how she would manage with all the freedoms and temptations facing college kids. I got a car for her, and she came home every single weekend until February. So from August until February, she came home every weekend because she needed that grounding.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: She needed to be with me, and I was completely fine with that- it was perfect. Then all of a sudden, in February, she stopped coming home. She met someone.
Tiffany: Yeah, okay. I was about to ask!
Barbara: Yeah, she met a guy. They later married and had two children together. He's a wonderful person- just wasn't the right partner for her in the long run.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: But he was a wonderful person, and together they raised two fantastic children. I will forever be indebted to him for all the richness he brought into our lives.
It's interesting- I remember going to an orientation at the college she attended, and I knew she was going to be uncomfortable because of the large crowds. Today, however, she is completely comfortable in her own skin. She has done so much for her community, including volunteering with children with disabilities. She built a career path she truly loves, in a place she wants to be, surrounded by people she chooses to have in her life. It's a really good story.
Tiffany: What a beautiful story. 26 years later, your daughter is not just living life- she's thriving. She's a mother, working in her chosen field, and living authentically on her own terms. That is such a contrast to the 14-year-old girl who had just lost her dad, was struggling deeply, and was trying to figure out who she was.
Barbara: Yes. She was struggling in every imaginable way. Academically, she was struggling when she shouldn't have been- she was a very smart girl. She was just too influenced by external distractions for academics to take center stage. She also had specific learning preferences, and back then, public school teachers weren't as skilled at adapting instruction for kids who learned differently.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: But she became her own self-advocate. When she went to college, she would tell her professors, "This is what I need, and this is how I learn." It was just perfect. Advocating for yourself is such a crucial skill.
Tiffany: It's massive, especially when transitioning into adulthood and building a successful, independent life. Being able to advocate for yourself is essential.
Barbara: Yes.
A Relationship Built on Mutual Respect
Tiffany: That's amazing to hear her story and learn how your relationship has transformed since then.
Barbara: Oh, yes.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: I'm no longer the mother who is intensely managing every aspect of her life. We check in- we might text every day or speak every three or four days. I was lucky enough to babysit one day a week, so I got to see my grandsons, my daughter, and her partner. It's a wonderful relationship now.
Tiffany: Beautiful.
Barbara: It's built on mutual respect. Every January 11th, she says things to me like, "Thank you for saving my life. I was waiting for you to do that." Had I known she was waiting for me, I would have done it much sooner. At the time, I thought she needed to figure it out on her own because everything I tried failed. But her appreciation and recognition are amazing, and we'll always share a special connection because of what we went through.
Tiffany: Absolutely. Navigating those deep struggles with your children can bring you closer in the end. In the moment, it feels like you're growing further apart, but as you go through it together, you come out on the other side much closer.
Do you think your daughter back then would have said she was waiting for your help, or did you get the sense she wanted nothing to do with it?
Barbara: Oh, she wanted nothing to do with help back then. She scorned every attempt I made- she just didn't want it.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: Losing her dad at 14 was such a hard time for her. I can't imagine what that was like- he was her best friend. As a teacher, he came home from school at the same time she did, so they were always together. I wasn't home yet because I was a principal and stayed later at my building. She would start her homework with her dad, and they'd talk about sports and silly things. They had a wonderful relationship.
Over time, she became very insightful about him, too. He had his own struggles, and she was able to process those through her therapy. That insight made her so much better equipped to handle future adversity.
Tiffany: I want to highlight that for our listeners. When you're in the trenches as a parent, feeling like you're drowning, every boundary or therapy session feels like it's pushing your child further away. Parents fear pushing their child so far that they'll never speak to them again once they leave home. Your story shows the power of tough love: making the hard decision to send her away to get help- even using a transport service so she wouldn't run- when most parents would fear permanent resentment. Your outcome shows it can lead to the exact opposite.
Barbara: I certainly entertained those fears a lot. People would tell me, "You might lose your child." My response was, "If I don't do anything, I'm going to lose her anyway. I have to do something to save her." But I did worry about what our future relationship would look like.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: After those 77 days, when she came running into my arms, I felt so relieved and hopeful for our future together. It just keeps getting better.
Tiffany: That is the core message of this podcast: there is hope and healing. Even when you have to make tough decisions as an adult while fearing you might push your child away, making those decisions out of deep love usually shines through in the end. Taking that necessary risk allows you to get your child back- running into your arms again.
Barbara: Absolutely. I didn't see any other way around it. I had to help her and find a way. After RedCliff, I was on the parent support list for prospective families. People would call and ask, "How could you afford it?" My answer was always, "How can you not afford it? How can you put a price tag on your child's life?" If I had to, I would have sold my house or taken out a second mortgage. I would have done anything.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Barbara: Fortunately, I was in a position where I could manage it- even with the huge cost back then. You just find a way to make it work.
Tiffany: You made it work. That makes complete sense.
Barbara: You find a way.
Words of Hope for Struggling Parents
Tiffany: Barbara, as we wrap up today, is there anything you'd like to share with listeners or parents who are currently struggling with their child and searching for hope and help?
Barbara: Just don't give up. Find a way. Speak to people- you can find support in so many different places. Be sure to get that support, because parenting a struggling child is deeply isolating. You feel like you're the only one, but you aren't. Reach out to others. I'm sure your organization maintains a list of parents who have recently gone through this. I may be 26 years down the road now, but I would still be more than happy to talk to any parent who needs someone to talk to. Just make it a priority. You'll never get that chance back, and this is important.
Tiffany: That's amazing. Thank you for offering those words of hope and healing. Hearing your perspective is so important today, especially when the news presents such a mixed narrative. As you mentioned, there were controversies back then, and there still are today. It's reassuring to hear from a parent- even 26 years later- that this experience saved your child, that you felt she was safe, and that there are programs out there truly saving lives. That isn't always the story people hear these days.
Barbara: No, it isn't. But it needs to be told, so I'm happy to do it. Thank you for letting me share my story- I really appreciate it. It truly is a message of hope for sure.
Tiffany: Thank you so much for your vulnerability and courage in sharing your story. You've brought a powerful message of hope and healing, showing that making those tough decisions for a struggling teenager can ultimately lead to restoration, love, and coming back together again. Thank you so much, Barbara. I really appreciate it.
Barbara: You're welcome. Thank you, Tiffany.